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Immortal gods, in what an age we live! What a bother it is, squabbling with cooks! They waste, they utterly waste, they squander money, thus they incur expenses of every kind. How Magrinus wanted to cheat me in there! When Master finds out his slyness, he’ll get it in the ways he deserves. But just now he mocked me wittily. Because kindly Nature gave me a bushy beard, he said I seem to him a bearded billy goat. But something else has me down. Our Julia, being headstrong and evil-tongued, with what insults she heaped me because I preferred Pantomagus to Erophilus! But now I’ll go about my business. Hey, what’s this? The accounts-book doesn’t please me, a huge sum of money has been paid out to bakers, butchers, cooks, and fishmongers. But I think I’ve entered everything into the ledger, the amount I paid to each man is right. (Enter Pantomagus.) But isn’t this Pantomagus the physician, who is coming to our party today? It’s him, I’ll go inside so everything is taken care of.


PANTO. Now we’re approaching Alphonsus’ house, where I’m coming, having been invited as a dinner-guest. Be sure to comport yourself elegantly, Gothrio.
GOT. Oh, as if nobody should admonish me.
PANTO. Then, if (as is my habit) I should launch into a story, when you see me a-boil with my oratory, make sure your facial expression matches my words.
GOT. Got it.
PANTO. And I want you always at hand, so that if I give you any nod or wink, you immediately come flying up, so that everybody can see you are at my service.
GOT. Got that too.
PANTO. And lastly I want you to hang upon my will.
GOT. Hey, I should hang! By Hercules, I’ve not got that. You hang by yourself, this omen doesn’t please me.
PANTO. Immortal gods, how learning sharpens one’s wit! This word perhaps is unknown to you.
GOT. Very much unknown. For it makes men too lofty.
PANTO. You don’t understand the usages of words, you fool? This Hippocrates’ habitual expression. I want you to be with me in mind and body.
GOT. You are asking me to hang with you in mind and body. I understand.
PANTO. Oh you simpleton, in comparison to us learned fellows! I’ll speak to you more plainly, Gothrio. Henceforth I shan’t use verbal niceties.
GOT. By Hercules I pray you do so, Master. I don’t like these knotty niceties.
PANTO. I want you to serve me industriously. Understand?
GOT. I understand. It will be so, Master. I often perceive this in myself, that if you dislike something I dislike it too, if you want something, of my own free will I desire it. I don’t know how our enthusiasms conspire, I believe that Nature made me a parent to you.
PANTO. What are you saying, whipping-stock? Nature made you a parent to me?
GOT. Assuredly.
PANTO. I, who am born of my splendid and noble father Alcimarchus?
GOT. I am not your parent but a parent to you.
PANTO. So are you my father or my mother?
GOT. Neither, indeed, but I’m apparent to you.
PANTO. Whew, I’ll scourge you with whips, you donkey, if you are so rude to me.
GOT. But I tell you Nature made me a parent to you.
PANTO. Continue, you rogue.
GOT. I am apparently at your service and obedient to your word. Or have you forgotten so quickly what you said just now, “you don’t understand the usages of words, you fool?” For why is it so strange that I stick to being a fool, when verbal elegances escape even you?
PANTO. By the gods, how he got out of that one! Take care you don’t poke fun at me.
GOT. (Aside.) Me poke fun of you? Hurray, that’s likely.
PANTO. But tell me in good faith, did you want this before?
GOT. This very thing indeed, you very irate man.
PANTO. Hercules, I didn’t catch you out, not because my intelligence was lacking, but because my anger blinded me so.
GOT. But a wise man ought to weigh everything.
PANTO. I can’t, indeed, thus Nature created me a fierce fellow. Indeed, when I have grown hot, how I seem to thunder and flash lightning!
GOT. That’s enough, I pray you. I can’t stand these verbal thunderbolts.
PANTO. But that’s my way.
GOT. But I’ve felt this often, to my great harm. The force of Nature is great, and is withstood with difficulty.
PANTO. But let’s get down to business, Gothrio. Do I strike you a suitably neat and elegant? Do you think this outfit will please Julia?
GOT. This befalls you by virtue of your handsomeness, that whatever you may be wearing suits you.
PANTO. But what about my gait? How does it seem?
GOT. Hm, royal.
PANTO. I don’t want you to flatter me.
GOT. As if that were my habit. But would you prefer to be criticized truthfully, or falsely flattered?
PANTO. That’s easily answered, I prefer to be falsely flattered.
GOT. I believe you. But I do neither, I neither laud you with false praise nor subtract genuine praise (aside) which you do not possess.
PANTO. You do me a kindness. See if this cap suits me.
GOT. Egad, Master, nothing tops it.
PANTO. Truly. There’s nothing atop a cap. But tell me how it suits me.
GOT. Thus that Julia should love you full well. (Aside.) For so it will happen that she won’t adore you at all, for nothing suits anybody less.
PANTO. What about the rest?
GOT. More than the common sort. Your hair, your voice, your dress, your carriage, in sum your entire appearance bespeaks a man consecrated to Venus.
PANTO. It happens (thanks be to the gods) that I’ve never been anywhere in my life but that all the ladies adored me greatly. I admit that here I am held in great honor, but if were in foreign nations, France, Germany, and particularly England, how they all openly worship me! For besides the fact that the dignity of my handsomeness lends me grace, I am keeping to an untrodden path of medicine. I care nothing for Hippocrates, I ignore Galen, nor does Paracelsus greatly please me. I’ve discovered a new method of Cabalistic art. How many sick do you think I’ve cured here near Padua with Burcot’s unique elixir?
GOT. I’ve heard. For I’ve got the number down pat — nine at Padua, eleven at Venice, four at Ancona, seventeen at Florence, if I may skip infinite others elsewhere. I don’t have a pen and paper, but still I remember. But lest you think you’re held in small esteem here, now I’ll tell you a thing at which you can rejoice as I’ve never heard you rejoice. Have you heard, Master, what people commonly call you everywhere? Heavens, “the god of medicine.”
PANTO. I’ve heard that frequently.
GOT. And as I follow you about women especially approach you, call to you, snatch at you, cling to you. “Is this Apollo, the god of medicine?” they ask. “No,” I say, “his son Aesculapius.” “Oh blessed she,” they say, “ whom he embraces!”
PANTO. Would that I could bless Julia!
GOT. Hey, Master, she herself is coming out, I mean your Julia. Compose your face, let the rest be likewise cared for, she’s very particular. Indeed, may she be well-disposed for you, for all the other women adore you.
PANTO. Is everything in order?
GOT. Excellently.
PANTO. Good. Hey, what’s this? I’m having a nosebleed. Oh the great power of love! It’s an omen, let the gods make it turn out well!


AME. Why is it, Mistress, that your father is so angry with you? I don’t ever remember him being so irate. Indeed he was so inflamed that he threatened me too.
JUL. Good heavens, if there’s any trust in me, there’s nothing except that he saw me in this very place conversing with Erophilus.
AME. That’s a small thing, but, Mistress, it’s right for you to take good care lest you do anything which will not be approved by your father.
JUL. My piety sufficiently advises me that I do that.
PANTO. Why am I waiting to approach and greet her?
GOT. That it may go happily and well for you, go to her.
PANTO. Follow me. Wait, I want to think a bit. I am wholly afire with love after I’ve had a look at her.
GOT. Here’s water to extinguish you, be of good cheer. But do you want a drink, Master? (Enter Fredericus.)
PANTO. Why ask me that, rascal? Do you think I’ll lose heart at the first encounter?
GOT. If you wish, here’s a wine-cask for you.
PANTO. Inconvenient, by Hercules, indeed unfortunate. For this fool is disturbing my meditation.
FRE. Leonardus, do you have those delights which I acquired for myself today with great care?
LEO. Here, Master, they’re all safe.
FRE. I wish to give them to Julia as a gift.
LEO. You do well.
GOT. You go to her first, lest this man possess her first.
PANTO. I thought about that beforehand.
JUL. Who is this man I see nearby? Pray is it Pantomagus the physician? It’s him, he’s come to me. Father’s imposed a harsh necessity on me that I must always put up with the foolishness of this fellow, whom I cannot openly resist.
PANTO. Great greetings, Amerina.
GOT. What have you done?
PANTO. I know what I’m doing, note the sequel. (To Julia.) But most of all to you, Julia. Venus, Diana, Pallas, and the three Graces send their greetings. (To Gothrio.) Did you observe that?
GOT. How magnificently! I don’t believe Paris could greet Helen more elegantly.
JUL. The greetings you give me I return to you.
GOT. (Aside.) She gives him back his greetings. The naughty girl values them at nothing.
FRE. Do I espy Julia? Pick up the gifts and follow me.
JUL. Fredericus is here too. Oh this very fine pair of lovers!
PANTO. She’s mocking him, Gothrio, she calls him a very fine lover.
GOT. Whew, you said that correctly, there’s nothing uglier than him.
LEO. Approach her boldly, Fortune favors the bold.
FRE. I’ll go.
PANTO. Don’t go further away, lest this madman attract a crowd.
GOT. Why are you fretful? Get away, this man’s a complete nobody.
FRE. How goes it with you now, myn mall ?
PANTO. This donkey always begins with “how are you doing?” These standard introductions are faulty, I hope to approach her in another way. “Oh what a soft and juicy hand! In it I perceive many noteworthy things.”
GOT. What, pray tell, Master?
PANTO. Her Line of Saturn denotes a neck of ivory.
GOT. Very true indeed.
PANTO. This sign in the ball of her thumb denotes a good ethic.
GOT. Ethic? What’s this?
PANTO. What’s this, ass? “Ethic” is a Greek word and, distilled into the Latin tongue, it signifies weddings and marriage-beds. Your Mercury shouts out that you’re loved by a most learned fellow.
GOT. What wonderful things he’s predicting!
PANTO. And your Venus will teach that you he will reach.
GOT. How poetic! Where to you get this stuff, Master?
PANTO. These are certain Sapphic verses of Ptolemy.
GOT. Was he a poet?
PANTO. An admirable one, as it seems.
LEO. What? Do you allow him to prattle thus, Master? Silence his talkative tongue for him.
FRE. Let him talk as he wants. Soon I’ll go up to her, meanwhile I’ll walk about here to whet my stomach for dinner.
PANTO. Have you fared well until now?
JUL. As well as I could, as you see.
PANTO. As I see, then you have always fared handsomely.
JUL. Why so, pray?
PANTO. Because I see you are fair.
GOT. Ah, witty!
JUL. I do not wish to be praised.
PANTO. I believe you. What remains now, Gothrio?
GOT. Do something or other, just say something. Ask what hour it is.
PANTO. What hour do you think it is, Julia? For I am come to your house for dinner.
JUL. I understand.
AME. So let’s go inside, Pantomagus. It will be better for you there.
PANTO. No, it’s best for me here.
JUL. Didn’t I predict these things would happen, Amerina?
PANTO. You strike me as very sad, Julia.
JUL. I don’t know why I seem so to you, Pantomagus. I’m no sadder than usual.
PANTO. Don’t be, for a downcast spirit hinders physical health. I can show this by seven arguments, all of which I pretermit for the sake of brevity.
FRE. Now at length allow me to speak. Hercules, by your good leave permit me to meet her and give her what I wish.
GOT. He asks a reasonable thing, Master, give him your leave.
PANTO. I have no fear that he will forestall me in capturing her love, let him do what he can.
FRE. Behold these tokens of my love for you, myn Julia.
LEO. It’s good, Master. You’ve made a fine beginning.
PANTO. These are threepenny gifts.
GOT. No, they’re four-gallon ones.
JUL. For what are they useful, Fredericus?
FRE. For what are they useful? Look at the woman’s ignorance. For drinking.
JUL. But I don’t like that.
FRE. Then you don’t like good things, by Pollux!
JUL. Nonetheless I do not refuse them and I am grateful to you. Here, Amerina, take these.
FRE. No, my servant will carry them.
PANTO. I can’t suffer such an unkempt donkey to be with such a beautiful maiden, in whom there is no wit, not a bit of intelligence.
LEO. Master, do you hear what the physician is saying? He calls you unkempt and stupid.
FRE. What do I care if I’m unkempt? Women don’t like the clothing, but what stuffs the clothing.
LEO. But since he glories in his intelligence, allow me to propose some riddles to him.
FRE. You may.
LEO. And you too, Julia.
JUL. You may do so with my pleasure.
PANTO. Let’s go inside now, Julia.
LEO. No, pray wait. For his amusement’s sake this man wishes to propose some riddles.
PANTO. Riddles? Good God, I like that.
LEO. Are you a physician?
PANTO. I am, if I may plainly admit it.
GOT. Indeed he’s an empiric, most empirical, (aside ) a distinguished disgrace and infamy of his art.
LEO. Come, look at me. I’m sick and I’m well. Now tell me what disease I have.
PANTO. A person can most easily be sick and be well.
LEO. How?
PANTO. At different times. But I know what it is, it’s a cholic passion. For when the optic nerves —
LEO. Where are you going?
PANTO. I’ll return, to your disgrace.
FRE. Listen, Julia, my buffoon has a wit.
LEO. Now you’ve made a mistake, Pantomagus, guess again. I am sick and I am well, tell me what disease I have.
PANTO. The solution’s easy. You have the disease of lousiness, you have what you’ve earned. Now let him who wishes mock me.
JUL. By Pollux, he answered him well.
PANTO. If I please you at all, I please myself greatly.
GOT. Master, give me a little leave.
PANTO. It will be granted.
GOT. Hey, riddle-solver, what is that roars in the sky, that makes the seas lie, that probes evil out of joint, that threatens all with its point?
LEO. I know, listen. It’s my master’s sword.
FRE. How sharp of him!
GOT. Ah, Leonardus, you’re like your master. Both you and your master are dolts.
LEO. It’s my master.
GOT. Your master, of course. FRE roars in the sky, DE makes the seas lie, RI probes evil out of joint, CUS threatens all with its point. This is quite novel, I was the first to invent it, he’s beaten, he fails, and your Julia is laughing.
JUL. Now it’s time for us to go inside, Pantomagus. There everything else will be revealed after dinner.
PANTO. When it seems time to you, you lead the way, we’ll follow.
FRE. I’ll give myself to you as guide on your journey. (Enter Camillus.)
PANTO. Then I’ll give myself to him as a companion.
GOT. And I’ll follow you, as its shadow follows a donkey. For as your shadow I’m going to dinner.


CAM. These people are now retired inside for dinner, where, as I hope, I shall soon see them, unless this business delays me unduly. For after I came to the market-place, I received letters from my father stating that today I would receive certain wares. In the market-place just now I ran into Fabricius, who has conveyed them, who informed me he has ordered some servants to bring them to my house. And lo, very opportunely I see some porters approaching. Gods grant that they are the men I want. For if I stay here long I’ll disappoint Erophilus, whom I know will be very anxious until I return. (To the porters.) Where do you men come from?
PORT. From Fabricius’ ship.
CAM. These are the ones. Where are you going?
PORT. To Lucius’ son Camillus.
CAM. That’s good, you’re going to me. And see, here are my father’s letters which Fabricius gave me in the market-place just now. And see, here’s his house.
PORT. All’s in good order. We’ll return to the ship, unless you want something of us.
CAM. Nothing, fare you well.
PORT. And you.
CAM Come out now, Congruo and Storax, and carry this inside. But because the door is too narrow and I can’t linger here longer, open up the chest and carry the wares inside. (Enter Amerina.) Leave the chest here by the door for a while, but hurry. Behold, I see Amerina, I’ll confide my plan to her.
AME. Immortal gods, I’ve never seen a more witty man than Pantomagus! He desires to be ridiculous, and he’s making progress.
CAM. How’s it with you, Amerina? How does our Julia fare?
AME. With me, as you see. But badly with Julia, because she must go without Erophilus.
CAM. But console her, tell her she’ll see him presently.
AME. But when, pray?
CAM. They say women are full of chinks.
AME. But falsely.
CAM. But they have more chinks than men, I doubt you’ll deny.
AME. Quit your joking, and pray tell me what I ask, when is Julia going to see Erophilus?
CAM. Tonight.
AME. But how?
CAM. Don’t play the cross-examineress. But I’ll tell you anyway. He is going to enter as a masker with those who trip the dances, and he’ll be their leader. So as soon as you see her, warn her that she fasten herself to him as his companion. Now I’m hastening to him. But put a finger to your lips. You know what I mean.
AME. You’re reminding the reminded.


AME. I am rejoicing, as they say, with all the joys, because Mistress will meet Erophilus tonight, for love of whom she’s miserably emaciated, yet doesn’t displease her father. Now I desire to be brought to the dinner, so I may tell Mistress how much good news I am bringing.
LEO. Hey Amerina, my delicious little heart, my little lamb, my little sparrow, where are you hiding that I can never catch sight of you? By Hercules, I’ve never seen a more hilarious dinner. Everybody is laughing at Pantomagus, he’s so witty.
AME. Heavens, you’re speaking to me of an elegant man, but tell me how he’s conducting himself in there.
LEO. When he first went inside, he embraced Alphonsus in the manner of his homeland, and said he wanted to kiss the man’s feet. And another of the guests, Horatius, responded that that would be too much effort, but there was a certain intermediate place which he could kiss much easier. When all the guests had taken their places, Alphonsus sat at the head of the table, Pantomagus in the middle, and Julia at the bottom, and sitting with her was Brother Scaevola. Then with his cap Pantomagus hid the eye on Alphonsus’ side, and with the other furtively peered at Julia, drinking her health and instantly sighing a deep sigh. At first Scaevola was the only person to notice this, and, nodding to those sitting nearby, he began to laugh out loud. Pantomagus blushed and asked why he was doing that. Scaevola answered that it had crossed his mind how he had told me my disease. Hereupon Pantomagus crowed with triumph and began to tell a story, and to recount the whole affair. They came near to dying with laughter. After that he was made more talkative than a cicada, because he imagined his tale had pleased them. But then I think my master got pretty drunk, thus he kept gulping down full cups, he who drinks as if he were obliged to fight for Troy. For nobody is better than him at fighting with a flagon. For after I have spent some time with him, although I too was born here in Italy, he has nearly converted me to his Teutonic customs. (Enter maskers.) But who are those I see at the bottom of the street? Are these the folks they’re expecting inside? I’ll go in and announce they’re arriving.
AME. These are the ones Camillus told me were coming. If he’s telling me the truth, the first one is Erophilus. I’ll go in to announce these things to Julia.

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